I am going to admit right now that I haven't watched this show on Hulu, so I'm not going to comment on any of the individual people and situations from the show, but on Mormonism itself.
The reason I haven't watched it is because my experiences in and out of the Mormon church caused me so much pain that I just don't want to go there. I just don't want to put myself through that mental messiness.
I have, however, watched a couple of podcasts and interviews and have a few things to say as a former member of this church that I was FULLY in for 42 years. I lived, breathed, and loved the Mormon church right up until it came crashing down for me about 7 years ago. I did all the things "right" and checked all the boxes the whole time I was a member. I was devout and fully committed, which is why I feel that I have a right to share my perspective on theses issues.
I want to say right off the bat that I am completely aware of the fact that there are MANY different ways to live and experience Mormonism. This is why there are so many different perspectives and confusion in the discussions that are currently taking place in the media. There are just so many different ways to choose to be a Mormon, because in reality, what makes a person officially a "Mormon" is that they have been baptized into it. After that, Mormonism is whatever a person experiences personally within the system. These experiences are vast and varied, with many members making up their own ideas about what Mormonism is. Many of these ideas don't line up with what is taught from the leaders at the pulpit, in the curriculum, and in other official church resources. Not to mention the fact that Mormon theology has changed so drastically over the years, that members end up simply choosing what they want to believe is true or not true about Mormonism.
In other words, it's absolute chaos.
There are some active Mormons that are not happy with this show for various reasons, but also ex-Mormons who are frustrated with it. Every Mormon and ex-Mormon has their own set of experiences and interpretations on this religious community. It's a religion that is riddled with contradictions and a history and theology that is quite convoluted and messy.
Because of this, everyone has a different take on it and when we don't see our own experience represented, it can feel incredibly invalidating.
All I can do is share my own perspective on it.
I want to give a fair warning here that I do not see the Mormon church in a favorable light at this point and I'm not going to hold back on speaking about my feelings about it. I think there are many wonderful members of the church who are trying their best to live good and honest lives, but I am not going to speak about that, but on the Mormon church as a religious institution and the business that it is.
I believe the Mormon church (or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) is an abusive system. (You can read about some of my deconstruction process here, where I eventually deleted all followers because I needed a break from it all.)
I believe the Mormon church (or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) is an abusive system.
Dr. Laura E. Anderson, Phd is doing some incredible work on the subject of religious trauma and I will use her research to back up why I feel this way. It's important to note that not all people within systems like these will feel any kind of abuse personally, but that doesn't mean it's not there. It just means they don't feel or see it themselves. This is why I think the research that is being done by people like Dr. Anderson is so important in helping us identify what types of behaviors are considered to be abusive in the field of mental health.
In her book, "When Religion Hurts You" she makes what I consider to be a very important and valuable clarification about religious abuse. In it, she states that "Abuse doesn't require intentional malice or harm. This is important because in many cases religious abuse is an extension of what someone has been taught is normal, acceptable treatment and behavior."
I like this clarification, because I don't believe that most Mormons intend to do harm. I think most of them are just obedient, kind people that want to do good, but this should not excuse the harm that is actually happening beneath the sugary sweet surface. We must look at the evidence and impact of the harm if we are ever going to help people who have been hurt by this system.
Dr. Anderson goes on to give a list of several ways that a religion can be considered abusive and I believe the Mormon church checks the box of every single heading in one way or another. Mormons can and do frame these things in ways that seem sweet and innocent (this is their super power), but at the core and just below the surface, they are not.
Coercion and threats: convincing individuals they must follow certain rules and lifestyles to secure their eternity, using threats to keep people from stepping out of line, threatening excommunication, making threats if an individual seeks help outside the religious institution, and making individuals drop or not seek to press charges for illegal behavior (such as, but not limited to, sexual abuse)
Intimidation: making people feel afraid by using actions and gestures that could suggest disconnection from the community, teaching people they deserve eternal conscious torment if they do not subscribe to the system's rules, not valuing the safety of members by hiding or dismissing abuse
Emotional abuse: making individuals feel bad about themselves, calling them names (e.g., calling them worthless or sinner), publicly or privately humiliating them for mistakes or acts deemed sinful, making them feel guilty, gaslighting them, teaching theology that promotes human worthlessness as a foundation of human existence, refusing to allow individuals to be autonomous and make choices for themselves
Isolation: requiring individuals to have relationships only with people inside the religious system; requiring relationships with individuals not in the system to be cut off; controlling what people do, who they talk to, what they read, or where they go; controlling access to information; using fear to justify actions (e.g., "people who do not believe like we do will try to get you to sin")
Minimizing, denying, and blaming: making light of the requirement to be part of the system, not taking concerns seriously, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, calling abusive behavior "sin issues" that require spiritual discipline instead of legal help, convincing an individual that they caused the abuse
Patriarchal privilege: treating women, children, and other marginalized individuals as lesser than or subservient; placing only men in positions of authority, power, and leadership; allowing only men to define gender roles; using holy texts to justify abusive, oppressive, supremacist behaviors of men toward women, children, and marginalized bodies
Economic abuse: preventing people from pursuing education, discouraging people from obtaining non-ministry job training or non-ministry careers, guilting people into giving the church money, keeping financial secrets (such as not permitting access to financial records), encouraging people to neglect the needs of their family in order to give more to the church or group, which may include messages such as "God will take care of all your needs"
Dr. Anderson has admitted that this is not an exhaustive list, but I think it's a great starting point to help us really understand how a seemingly harmless organization isn't as innocent as it seems.
I want to be clear here that I don't think the Mormon church is guilty of every single thing under each heading on this list, but I do think we can clearly see them exhibit some qualities in each area, with some of them being extreme in nature.
I also want to say again that I don't think the Mormon people are bad. I think they are mostly good people who just haven't looked deeply into these things OR are framing them in a way that works for them. For many of them, it's all they have ever known and the church feels sweet to them. They feel they are following what they believe to be God's one and only true church on the face of the earth. The good feelings they experience are enough for them to believe it's true with all of their hearts and then never consider anything else. Mormons are taught and conditioned to believe that these good feelings are proof that the church is true, so it makes sense they wouldn't question things. This is how I personally felt until I started to think more deeply about it and began to look more closely at the history and current harmful practices.
At the end of the day, all we can do is walk our own path and try to move forward in a way that feels good and right for us. This is what I have done and will continue to do for the rest of my life. This is also why I left Mormonism. I no longer see this system as good and right for me and I also now see the harm it causes others, and that matters to me.
I am committed to staying awake and listening to victims of abuse in whatever ways they claim to have been harmed.
Here's to healing and hope
and owning our own beautiful lives.
We got this!
Love,
Julia
A big thank you to Dr. Laura Anderson for all of the amazing work she is doing. Please check out her website and offerings. https://drlauraeanderson.com/
Evidence of all of the above abusive characteristics about the Mormon church can be found on the church's own website by reading through the church's history, Gospel Topics Essays (currently under the heading "Libraries," then "Topics and Questions," The Family Proclamation, General Conference talks, etc. You only have to look at their own records to find the evidence. You will find that it is all surrounded by lovely, flowery language, but when you are aware of what is actually happening, you can see the abuse in plain sight.
One final thought:
To all of my active, believing Mormon friends and family, I just want to say that I know that we see things differently and I know that you don't mean to cause any harm. It breaks my heart that it hurts you to see me speak out against the church you love so much. Please just know that I am only speaking out against the church as an organization and not necessarily your individual choices. Please also know that I choose to speak out because I care so deeply about victims of harm and abuse.
Full stop.
With love.
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