We see this all the time.
Abusers and people who support abusers and abusive systems LOVE to use the terms "victim," "victim mentality," and "victimhood" to gaslight, ignore, and ridicule people who come forward to say they have been harmed.
It's what they do.
I have spent a lot of time in trauma recovery spaces and I have seen victims report this type of behavior time and time again.
It's classic abuser/enabler behavior.
Abusers and enablers LOVE to say things things like
"you're really just feeling sorry for yourself"
or
"you think you were harmed, but you're just stuck in victimhood"
or
"you can't move on because you just have a victim mentality"
or
"oh, you just think you are such a victim, but you're really just having a pity party"
or
"you may feel sorry for yourself, but in reality, you're just not good enough to let it go and move on"
or
"you just can't get over it and are just wallowing"
or
"you're just not strong enough"
or
"you don't realize that many people have it way worse than you"
or
"everyone has had bad things happen to them and you just need to toughen up."
But the reality is that being a victim really just means that you have been hurt or harmed by an event or action.
Being a victim really just means that you have been hurt or harmed by an event or action.
This simply means that if you have been harmed by a person or system, then you ARE a victim of that harm.
Harm is a reality and the term victim should not be a dirty word.
People do, in fact, hurt other people in ways that can change a person, and sometimes drastically.
And why on earth would we turn around and ridicule victims for naming this?
I find it to be so cruel and shameful that I can't quite comprehend why someone would do this.
My guess is that it has something to do with their inability to face their own fears or perhaps it's some type of superiority complex or an unwillingness or inability to understand another person's lived experience. It could also be a need to protect a system or person they see as keeping them safe.
The strange thing is that these people often claim that they are the victims, when in fact, they have been the initial perpetrators. They are also often people who appear to be kind, insightful, loving, "righteous," and/or fun. They might not even realize themselves that they are being abusive. Abuse doesn't even have to be intentional to be considered abusive.
Whatever the reason may be, these people are going to keep doing it, so those of us who are calling out harmful behaviors need to be aware of it. We need to stand strong in our resolve to name harm and abuse for exactly what it is and not back down just because people like to call us names and gaslight our experiences.
I was a victim of many harmful behaviors AND I am also a survivor that is working like hell to live a peaceful, values-driven, beautiful life, so stop using the word victim to bypass my reality of both truths.
Yes, those of us who have been hurt and are able to, should do the work in our own lives to heal, learn, change, and grow in ways that are self-compassionate and honoring to our well-being, but no, we do not need to stay quiet about the results of that harm just because abusers and their enablers call us names and use our lived experience against us. (And quite honestly, some people have been harmed so badly that they can't even muster up the strength on their own to do any work at all. These are the people that need the MOST amount of compassion, love, care, and help, NOT name-calling and gaslighting.)
People who have been harmed by unhealthy people or systems simply do not deserve to be labeled and dismissed with ignorant cultural platitudes that are lacking in compassion and depth.
If you have been harmed and then gaslit by an abusive system, person, or enabler, you are probably not going to change these people, but you can do the work to keep this messaging from getting stuck in your own psyche.
When you see these types of things thrown around out there, just don't let it in.
Ignore it.
Remind yourself that they have no clue what it was like to go through what you went through, so they have no right to name it.
You get to name your experience.
You get to say what happened to you.
You get to do this while simultaneously looking at your own shadow, changing your own unhealthy behaviors, AND looking for the sunflowers along the way.
Remind yourself that there are people out here who are rooting for you, validating your hurt, and will never use the very word that is the truth of your experience to make you feel worthless, weak, or less than.
Here's to healing and hope!
We got this!
Love,
Julia
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